What is going on today

I am going to address the elephant in the room.  No one is aware that is there besides myself.  Back in August Angel walked into my life.  The first three months were ideal.  We hit it off so quickly that he moved in without officially moving in. He made me feel like the most special person on earth.  Then the incident happened.  I raised my voice to him once.  It wasn't habitual it was one mistake.  As I look back on the incident with imperfect memory I am not sure that I even raised my voice, but he claims I did. Then after a week's delay where he carried as business as usual he moved out. 

Now as wonderful as those 3 months were that is how horrible the next 4 months were.  He claimed we were still together, that he wanted the relationship,but he wanted to step back and take it slow like we should have in the first place.  I told him that it was almost impossible to go backwards, but I was ignored.  Those 4 months I was in a constant state of confusion.  He claimed we were still together but he didn't act like it.  I was lucky if I saw him once a week.  When I told him I wanted more time, he said he didn't have it because his friends had stuff planned, but he really did care. 

I started giving him his space and letting him contact me, then a couple times a month went by with no contact.  During one of those times, I texted him a break up becasue he wasn't answering his phone and I wanted to move on, he called me.  I was on my way to visit Kristian and he told me that he considered us still together and he had been faithful to me the whole time. 

Angel rode the line.  He paid as little attention to me as he could, yet every time I had a problem he would say just the right thing to keep me hanging on.  In retrospect I think he just wanted to keep the bank open.

This left me feeling like I was worthless, left me with a ton of insecurity, and now the elephant in the room.  Shawn does not realize just how broken I am and how lately he has been unintentionally hitting a nerve.  I know Shawn is not Angel and that he is genuine.  He has not once offered anything more than friendship, so I am trying my hardest to be as dispassionate.

I have a tendency to get too attached too quickly, that is what I am currently having some fierce inner struggles about.  For the most part I am winning, keeping my feeling at the appropriate friendship level, please forgive me if I occasionally slip,and please lay out some clear boundaries.

I haven't heard from Shawn since those couple of minutes at con.  I wonder if he read my blog and freaked out.  I don't care I will be dispassionate.  That is what I keep telling myself.  My problem is that everything I do I do with my whole heart.  i think now I understand why women have almost as much tendancy as men to throw away the friends in friends with benefits.  The reason is that if they allow themselves to feel then they may wind up too attached and scare they guy away.  In today's society there is so much deceit and selfishness that no one feels the freedom to feel.

Yesterday i went to Corecon.  I had a blast.  I saw old friends I hadn't seen in a while.  I saw Paul Nosal, I saw Doug Peterson(who I always thought was adorable.  I saw Cassy and Vuker.  I saw Dahlke, and Eric Sabin(who has a 21-year old son omg), Calvin Kok. The People I was most hoping to catch a few minutes with (Dante, Virgil, Shawn) were busier than busy.  I can understand because they only had so much time to get things accomplished.  I ran into Shawn a few times, but I gave him his space because I knew he was busy and he had responsibilities.  He did offer his regrests for not spending more time with me, which I am perfectly fine with, he was busy.  This does further support that he only wants to be friends, which is now completely fine with me.  He is dispassionate about seeing me, I will return the favor.  Now lets see if I still feel that way after we get together on Tuesday when he reaches down into my toes and steals my very soul.

When I woke up this morning, I turned over, looked at my clock and noticed it was 7:50 am.  My mind started racing....omg I am almost 2 hours late for work, oh no they are going to kill me.  Then one thought pierced my frantic meltdown.  ITS SATURDAY!!!!   I immediately relaxed.  I have been thinking about romantic comedies a lot lately.  I know its a little silly, but I wish I could inspire a guy to do one of those big romantic gestures like the guys in the movies.   Who am I kidding, I am old and broken.  My younger self couldn't even inspire that type of creativity.  Or maybe its just that guys are lazy.  I swear when we get to a certain age we all put on concrete boots and it is considered immature to do anything fun.  That is one of my disadvantages. Before I got married I could put on a little pout and say something cute like "but you love me anyway."  That was when I was young and pretty and people admired my energy and enthusiasm.  Now if I tried anything like that they all look at me like I grew a second head.  I had so many antics when I was younger because I was young, full of energy and didn't care what people thought.  Now I have 2 children and work for a bank.  I have to be MATURE and RESPONSIBLE and avoid being CHILDISH and JUVENILE. I just want to go to the playground and play on the toys.

Its Friday the 13th and ironically things are looking up.  I was reading my posts from yesterday and they seem quite juvenile.  What was I thinking?  I would much rather have Shawn be a friend in my life rather than expect more and not have him in my life.  I don't care if we are just the friends that get together occasionally for pizza and a movie and once in a while a roll in the hay.  I don't care if that is the way it stands for the rest of our lives.  I have given up on any extra expectations and have now relaxed into the idea of friendship.  They say men and women can't be friends...they are wrong...very wrong.  Maybe some time in the distant future when I have more completely healed I will be ready for a relationship, but it is not right now and it doesn't matter if that day never comes.