What is going on today

I have 2 main things to talk about tonight.  Last night I had one of those nights with the girls that will last forever.  The second they got into the car I declared: "I am going to kick your little butts in Super Munchkin, but first we have to pick our Super Hero names."  Before we got back to my place we decided that I would be called "Magic Mom"  Katelin would be "Pretty Pony" and Alexis would be "Special Sunset"  During the whole game we only called each other by our superhero names.  Then Katelin got turned into a boy so we changed her name to "Power Pony"  Then I got changed into a guy so we called me "Dragon Dad'

Whenever we fought a monster, we described the battle in great detail, making sure to include any weapons and armor we had and any cards that were played to affect the battle.  It was sooo much fun.

The second topic is that in about 35 minutes I am going over to Shawn's for our 4th date.  I am so excited because this is the first one since I decided that I would stop whining and let myself be me.  If he likes me...awesome, if he doesn't he can just lump it.  There is no use creating a persona in order to make someone else happy.  I am waking up my flirty and fun side tonight.  I am wearing my low-cut spaghetti strap summer dress (Vas remembers that one) in order to channel my flirty side, and I have braided pigtails in my hair in order to channel my youthful self.  I expect that we will definately have a wild and crazy time tonight.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  First I started wondering where my true self was.  Then I came to realize that I am not afraid to be myself around my girls or my mom and brothers.  Then i started to think deeper.  Why was I afraid to be myself with guys?  The first blame I laid was at Angel's feet.  I was afraid to express when I was sad or distressed because Angel said he would leave if he distressed me because he didn't distress women.  Then I thought further about it, I also realized that I wasn't alound to express frustration or anger around Angel either, whether it was with him or not with him.  Then I began to realize that he was not the only one to lay blame on.  Every time I expressed my opinion to Leon he got angry and said I didn't listen to him.  That his opinion didn't matter to me when my intention was to open up discussion for both sides.

Then as I thought even further on the issue I realized that there was only one place the finger needed to be pointed, and that was straight at me.  I should not allow any man to get under my skin and make me afraid to be me.  I should be proud of me.  I am caring, compassionate, I have intuition about different situations.  I have an ugly side as well, but those negative feeling also give me strength.  My ego is my confidence, my anger is my determination, my sadness is my empathy.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be proud to show my true self.  Any man would be priviledged to be with me. 

Sorry, i didn't write during the weekend, but i was so busy....well not totally.... I guess i didn't grab the time to write when I had it, so instead I cram it in here before work.  Wow that is the same with shopping, Since i don't have the girls tonight, I plan on doing it tonight.  I had a wonderful time with the girls though.  Lexy and I had burger time (at her request)  then we went to see Rio 2 which was a pretty good movie.  Katelin and I spent the day playing munchkin withgrandma Wendy.  Then Sunday my family came here to play.  I kicked their ass with the crazy song card where I was forced to sing "munchkin Cthulu" to the tune of "Waltzing mathilda"

I also feel like I should give the other issue its due.  You see my emotional side is like a tazmanian devil, it yells and screams and makes its point and then falls asleep.  Meaning that it wants its drama time and wants to be heard  then its satisfied and allows whaterver to happen. My biggest problem is that as it is being heard is when it tends to chase away friends.  Right now I don't understand why Shawn was such a big deal.  I can see now that he doesn't have the time or maybe doesn't desire to put the time in that a relationship would need.  So I am perfectly happy just being friends.

I am such a fool.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  I texted Shawn and told him about what I was afraid to tell him.  Right now I am regretting it.  I had it handled.  I actually got to the point where I truly didn't care if he ever returned my feelings, so why did I stick my foot in my mouth and go and tell him?  Well I hope this isn't as big of a disaster as I fear, and he gives me a way out.  Any move I make at this point would just make the situation worse, so the ball is in his court.  Now I am going to concentrate on not worrying about it.

We dance the dance of dating.  Every breath we take every thing we do is amove in the dating game.  I am so excited that I am going out with Shawn again tonight, but I don't want to be early and seem overeager, so I am writing in my blog to waste a little time. I can do this.  I know he wants to be just friends, he has made that more than clear in a million different ways.  I think I will be honest with him and admit my struggle, but assure him that I have it in check. Alright need to waste 3 more minutes till 3:40, that way if I am 5 minutes early, it will be thought more of punctuality than overeagerness.

Bedtime

I am such a chicken!!  You can hear me squawk in the next county.  To be honest I did tell him that I have problem with getting too close too quickly.  I just didn't have the tatas to tell him I was refering to him.  I think he is slightly less oblivious than most guys and can put 2 and 2 together.  The good part about that is that he can understand my struggle without the necessity of addressing it directly and possibly embarassing me or worse.  The bad part is that the times when I lose what has now become my iron clad grip on my emotions, I will always start to wonder if he might just consider me. 

I have settled into being comfortable as friends.  It has gotten to the point where I am no longer anxious and am soothed by his presence without the expectations of any more.