What is going on today

I don't know what to do.  I keep sabotaging myself.  During the time period I wasn't blogging I was taken advantage of several times over in almost every aspect of my life.  I felt embarassed about that because I kept feeling like I should have been psychic, that I should have known...that I should have read people better.  Recently for that very reason I kicked almost everyone out of my life that I was not related to, trying to get down to my roots, try to gain more inner strength.

Now I am realizing the nature of my curse.  I have needed a friend, someone I am not related to that I can talk to, hang out with, have fun with.  Shawn is offering me exactly what I need:  a supportive,  non-judgemental friendship...and he has made it clear that it is friendship...that he feels that he can't be in a serious relationship.  I have started to entertain thoughts of dating him. 

I don't know what to do.  My first instinct is to break it off before I get too attatched and get my heart broken and make a complete fool of myself.  But he is exactly what I need!  Maybe I should talk to him and be honest with him, maybe together we can come to a solution.  It is just the irony that because he is what I need, may be the reason I may have to break contact.

Maybe I will have figured this all out by tomorrow.  I will concentrate on reseting my approach to him.  If I try hard enough maybe I can make myself not care.

I just looked at my post that I made first thing this morning and wow that was dramatic.  I am offering a pretty drastic solution to a problem that with time and right approach could work itself out.  I know this forum is making public some of my innermost feelings and yes I am aware that Shawn may read it eventually, but if I really cared about that fact I would delete the post.  Sometimes I like to share information here because it gives the guy the chance to receive the information anonymously and choose how to deal with it without letting me know that they know.  I just hope that if this information proves to be too much that he lets me know instead of just writing me off and disappearing.

I just had the most incredible evening ever.  It was a second date with Shawn.  We connected on so many different levels.  There is no number for the cloud that I reached.  Yet we are just friends.  I think that is good because I need to claim my independence.  Right now I am savouring the feeling of peace and wonder he left me with.

This is my third attempt at this entry.  Remind me never to try to post on my blog via my cell.  It won't save.

A lot has happened over the last couple of months.  I closed the book on Angel a couple months ago.  We'll just say that he was too high maintenance and the reward was not worth the trouble.

Lets move on to a cheerier subjects.  I went on a date with Shawn Exner yesterday morning.  We went out for breakfast at I-hop then we went for a walk in the park.  He wants to be friends with the benefits to come later.  He wants to get to know me.  He talks about being non-judgemental and wanting to know me no matter what he finds.  I want to believe I really do, but part of me is having trouble relaxing into it.  That is the same speach I heard a couple of times before.  Shawn seems sincere, and from what I remember of him from long ago, he was sincere.

I know I have not written much for a while because each day was either same old same old or hectic.Right now I am sitting here looking at all the equipment the bank sent home with me and I set up waiting for Midco to come and set up my business line.   This is soooo exciting.   My first work from home shift is officially tomorrow. Wooohooo!

This is the third time I am attempting to make this same blog entry.  That is ok because my news is so awesome, I can tell it a million times.  Hopefully I won't have to.  I may be starting my work at home program as early as mid to late next week.  I signed the contract for the ISP yesterday.  Now all I need is for them to hook up the business internet and they will be carrying the equipment out to my car.  I already talked to the school and Leon, so the school bus will deliver the girls directly to my door.  Then Leon will pick them up around 6ish.  I will never have to leave my house. HAHAHA I will never be that much of a closet case.