What is going on today

Yaaay myt little Katelin has learned to ride her bike.  My girls are growing up so fast.  I just feel like I am missing out on half their life because they aren't with me all the time.  I miss that simple life I used to have where I didn't have to worry about drama.  I didn't have to worry about everyone's intentions who became my friend.  What is it about a divorce which brings out the scum of the earth?  I have enough trouble balancing the budget, the home, the kids and the work without having to worry if this friendly smile is hiding deceit.  That last entry I made was very hard for me to admit.  I kept making excuses even to myself.  Now that it is widely known (or narrowly seeing as I only have a handful of readers) that I have few friends I wonder if I am going to wind up a social pariah.  "That woman is desperate"  That is when I throw back my shoulders lift my chin and say I am fine.  My family will supply my social needs, at least they won't stab me in the back.

I just hope that I can work things out with Shawn so we can both relax into a friendship.  I told him that I was going to either settle for friendship or hit the road.  If I can't handle it there is no need to make a mess of things.  The good news is I can handle it and I am determined to handle it.  Settling for friendship doesn't make the attraction go away, it just makes the pressure go away.  He shouldn't have to worry about it, I will keep an eye on my emotional side and we can just worry about laughing and joking and visiting Vas!!!!!

Yes Vas I can't wait to visit you, I miss you sooo much.

My emotional side is in an awful tizzy cuz it wants to be heard on a subject I just haven't been facing even to myself.  I am lonely.  When I was married I had my children, my husband, my in-laws. my mom and brothers, the couple we tended to game with a couple times a month, the neighbor around the corner.  At that time that was plenty forn me.  I was a really busy person and all my social needs were met by that select group of people. 

Then my husband left me.  All of that crumbled away leaving only my girls and my family.  The neighbor around the corner stuck around for a little while but she was always asking for money.  When I was in the hospital soon after the situation started the doctor asked me if I had anyone I could talk to.  I was hard pressed to come up with anyone.  I didn't want to admit to my mom and brothers at that time that I had tried to commit suicide, and I certainly wasn't going to discuss it with my girls. 

After I got out I set  out to remedy that situation and got on facebook.  That is where I found Thom who helped me through the worst after that.  He connected me with Vas who also helped me out quite significantly.  They are wonderful people but are much too far away to just drop in for a chat.

My local social life has been an awful roller-coaster ride since.  My mom and brothers and my daughters are always there and I love them all with all my heart but I need more.

Don't get me wrong I have met people and hung out with a few people since, but those that are worth talking too I unintentionally overburdened and those that stick around all seem to want something from me.

I also tried joining the Atheist group, which I still attend occasionally, but unless I become a member which costs an arm and a leg, they hold their meetings in a bar.  For one I don't always have the money to order something which we are all supposed to do as a courtesy and second, a bar is not really my scene.  I don't mind going to one occasionally, but for the most part I avoid them, I always have.

So that brings me back to square one.  I don't trust very many people and those that I do trust are either too far away or often too busy with their own lives.  I tried to tell myself that my mom and brothers and my daughters are enough, but they really aren't.  Most of the time I am okay, I just throw myself into netflix or visit my mom.  But every once in a while it really gets to me like this morning.

I have officially turned crazy.  I was so silly yesterday and contrary to popular belief it was all me no drugs or alcohol involved.  Another piece of good news is that I have finally started paying attention to my creative juices again.  I will admit that there were a couple of poems that were missed because I never got around to creating them, But "A Song of Hope" would not be ignored and it was conveying a message that I hope gets delivered.  Actually it will be delivered because After I am done with this blog, I am going to send it to my intended target.

I wonder if there is a way I can get my poetry out there.  I know my writing is at least half decent.  But of course I am a legend in my own mind.

Wow Shawn is definately a lot more understanding then most guys.  It seems I can say anything to him, and sometimes he tells me the why. I have not seen him wrong yet.  We had a 4th date last nght.  We just talked, and we reconfirmed the friend status.  I am absolutely fine with that.  Truth is the last thing I need right now is another relationship.  He said he isn't opposed to it but it is way too early to tell and that we need to take it at an extreme snails pace.  I agree with him.  I have completely reset my approach and my emotions have fallen in line behind it.  We are friends and I am not going to question or wonder or worry about anything else.  I have put the anything else out of my mind, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't but that is waaaaaaaaay in the future.  Now I just have to get my libido to behave itself.