My emotional side is in an awful tizzy cuz it wants to be heard on a subject I just haven't been facing even to myself. I am lonely. When I was married I had my children, my husband, my in-laws. my mom and brothers, the couple we tended
to game with a couple times a month, the neighbor around the corner. At that time that was plenty forn me. I was a really busy person and all my social needs were met by that select group of people.
Then my husband left
me. All of that crumbled away leaving only my girls and my family. The neighbor around the corner stuck around for a little while but she was always asking for money. When I was in the hospital soon after the situation started the doctor
asked me if I had anyone I could talk to. I was hard pressed to come up with anyone. I didn't want to admit to my mom and brothers at that time that I had tried to commit suicide, and I certainly wasn't going to discuss it with my girls.
After I got out I set out to remedy that situation and got on facebook. That is where I found Thom who helped me through the worst after that. He connected me with Vas who also helped me out quite significantly. They
are wonderful people but are much too far away to just drop in for a chat.
My local social life has been an awful roller-coaster ride since. My mom and brothers and my daughters are always there and I love them all with all my heart
but I need more.
Don't get me wrong I have met people and hung out with a few people since, but those that are worth talking too I unintentionally overburdened and those that stick around all seem to want something from me.
I also tried joining the Atheist group, which I still attend occasionally, but unless I become a member which costs an arm and a leg, they hold their meetings in a bar. For one I don't always have the money to order something which we are all supposed
to do as a courtesy and second, a bar is not really my scene. I don't mind going to one occasionally, but for the most part I avoid them, I always have.
So that brings me back to square one. I don't trust very many people and
those that I do trust are either too far away or often too busy with their own lives. I tried to tell myself that my mom and brothers and my daughters are enough, but they really aren't. Most of the time I am okay, I just throw myself into netflix
or visit my mom. But every once in a while it really gets to me like this morning.