What is going on today

I am starting to look at life a little differently.  I am giving up the idea of dating.  I am giving up the idea of booty buddies.  I think I will still enjoy my conversations with the Wanderer.  I think I will see about continuing to distract myself by spending time with friends, most likely the Knight on weekends.  I am giving up any romantic ideas.  I still have the idea that I want acceptance.  The thing is that something clicked into place for me last night.  Just having acceptance and a comfortable hug.  I want unconditional love that will accept me for exactly who I am.  Anything less than that is just a distraction and not worth much emotional energy.  Don't get me wrong, I am not completely cold blooded, I do care about people, but I have to look out for my girls.  The biggest part of looking after my girls is to look after me.  I refuse to chase after smoke and mirrors any longer.  If something is meant to be, it will come to me.

I accepted an invitation to a wiccan event next saturday.  Do I currently consider myself wiccan? No.  Do I respect their beliefs?  Absolutely.  In fact it is their code of conduct that I adopt wholeheartedly even though I feel I am agnostic:  Harm none do as you will.

Let me tell you how I got to this point in my religious development.  When I was just a lil girl of about 4 my mom joined an ultra conservative church called the Worldwide Church of God.  They take Jewish holidays, and several of the Jewish practices (including dietary) and adopts the bible and embraces the belief in Christ and God.  My step dad took the fact that he was head of the household and his right to punish children just a slight bit too far.  (Imagine slapping a kindergartener so hard across the face that they fly across the room.)  He did this in the name of a good strict christian upbringing, and my mom felt she couldn't do anything because she was supposed to obey her husband.  When I was 12 thankfully he divorced my mom.  When I was growing into a teenager and starting to understand the world around me, I realized how bigotous that church was.  They felt that no one who was not in that church was worth hanging around with.  Then when I turned 16 I commited the unpardonable sin.  I started dating a guy.  He wasn't a rebel, he wasn't a druggy, he wasn't every father's nightmare, he was a nice well-mannered christian boy.  In fact  we weren't doing much more than spending time together and the occasional kiss.  I was a horrible rebelious teenager who needed to learn a lesson.  So my mom sent me to live with my Aunt for the summer, she even talked about starting my next school year up there.  With my Aunt she found every way possible to humiliate me and make sure I knew I was rebellious and awful.  This in the name of christianity and morals.  Finally my mom brought me home.

When I moved away to go to college, I was pretty jaded about religion.  My favorite saying was I don't know if God exists and frankly I don't care.  I just want to be the best person I can be.  After a couple of years I met this wonderful woman named Renee who introduced me to Wicca.  I jumped in with both feet.  Here was a religion who put into words the moral code I had always held:  Harm none do as you will.  It also presented not only a god but a whole pantheon of gods and godesses that were all about peace and love and nature.  I was delighted.  She wouldn't teach me much, so after a few events took place I met my darling Simi.  She taught me more of the Wiccan ways.  I was a very deep Wiccan.  I wanted to feel and portray the full love of the maiden mother and crone.

Then I got married.  My first husband is not much consequence to my spiritual path.  My second one however was.  He was a non-practicing Catholic.  I was a little hesitant to date a christian, but he seemed understanding and supportive of my beliefs, so I fell for him.  During the relationship, it went from understanding and supportive, to fighting tooth and nail to keep my lil girls from being totally submersed in Catholicism and failing.  On top of that, I fell out of practice from Wicca because that supportive turned into: Wicca isn't really a religion is it.  The whole rub is after 11 years of staying faithfully by his side, he decides to become a hypocrate.  One of the reasons he is divorcing me is because he wants to become more religious and wants someone to go to church with (Catholic) So he leaves me and shacks up with my best friend.  To me he isn't even following his beliefs.

So now I am an agnostic.  I no longer hear the song of the Lord and the Lady.  I definately do not hear the calling of the christian God.  I embrace the code of ethics:  Harm none do as you will. 

Almost every major sore point in my life was done in the name of christianity or had a strong christian influence.  Understand that I do not hate christians.  I realize that there are good and bad in every group of people.  I hate and despise christianity....and there are not very many things that I hate or even dislike, except things that harm people.  So if there are any misguided christians that feel they can save my soul....you can turn around and never try.

I will happily attend the Wiccan event, and hopefully they will be people who embrace the wiccan code as strongly as I do.

I told the girls today about the possibility of me moving in with the Knight next spring.  Katelin was most interested in the extra bedroom.  When I was concerned about whether or not the girls would get along with the Knight, Alexis (the little darling) said that if they were friends with me she would like them too.  She is such a giving and loving little girl.  Both of my daughters are...except sometimes with each other.  We are working on that.  I am looking forward to my evening of conversation with the Wanderer.  He does make me happy when I talk to him.

I am going on the second month of having this websight.  Somehow I have managed to write a blog entry for every day.  Granted a couple were written on the next day, but I have honestly been giving you, my friends, a journal of my life.  I spent the afternoon with the Knight today.  We went out to get chain mailing supplies, so if everything goes as planned I will be making necklaces and bracelets again.  I might even make a replacement for my cat'o'nine tails.  We went to see the latest Star Trek movie.  It rocked!!!  He also made a proposition that I am seriously considering.  I would have to wait until March, but I may wind up becoming his platonic roommate.  He lives in a 3-bedroom apartment, and 2 thirds of rent would be less or on-par with what I am paying for one bedroom now.  I think the girls would love him.

I have a slight bit of a headache so this entry is probably going to be short.  I spent the day with my family again, and you have seen what happens when I spend time with them.  My lil Lexy (my 10 year old is growing up so fast.  When I asked her today if God exists, her response was that she didn't know.  She said she felt a little bit both ways.  At one point, while we were talking with her present.  The question of morals came up.  We talked about how christians have accusedus of having no morals because we didn't have the belief in hell hanging over our heads to keep us moral.  My answer to that was that the truly frightening thing was that it takes threats of hell to keep them moral.  I went on to say that it was like pointing a gun at someone to make them a good person.  Lexy piped up, "that is stupid"